Lenneth

I wasn’t lacking reasons to live, but here’s just a new one, and a strong one at that. This is the daughter of two of the dearest and closest people to me. Her parents gave me the title of co-parent a couple of months back, which I received with honor and with intention and decision to fulfill the role. Now that I see this beautiful child here, I can only feel much stronger in that position.

I’m posting here just to share a little bit the joy of having her in my life now.

I feel her like a little spot of pink in all the see of green that’s my life (I like the color green). And even if I can’t fully describe what I felt when I first saw her with words, I know I felt that all in the world will be safe and well if I can continue to see her well. I felt I could stand there by her side seeing her sleep for hours, and I felt the most tremendous burst of joy and tranquility that has ever filled me when I saw her and both her parents well after childbirth.

This post is about something I find interesting, something I have experienced over and over in life… the “second wind” effect.

During hardships one goes through some stages (I have not done any reading about this, but I will; so if you know a good read, let me know). I refer to hardships not as challenges you put yourself, but about something that goes the exact opposite of what you wanted it to go, and hurts a lot. Here are the stages I have gone through each and every time something has happened.

Please don’t question the logic, it’s my head after all…

1. Perception and shock. I become aware of the situation, and sometimes I’m paralyzed and can’t take any action related to what has happened, any action whatsoever for a second, a minute, an hour or even days.
2. Denial of what has just happened, my conscious knows, but my subconscious doesn’t accept it. I know it has happened, but still talk, and think as if it hadn’t.
3. Awareness, right, so now it has happened, and I know I have to deal with it, but that’s about all I know at this point, don’t know what to do.
4. Gloom, at this moment, I’m having a mix of emotions of anger, sadness and what not… I don’t know what to do, but at this stage, I’m more focused on my emotions than on the situation itself.
5. Despair, right after being sad/angry/<whatever else>, I start kicking and moving (figuratively speaking), but I keep sinking into those emotions, I can’t organize my thoughts, less can I organize my actions, I still don’t know what to do.
6. The halting, knowing that I don’t know what to do (haha, ok I couldn’t put it on other words), and seeing that my past actions didn’t have any effect, I lose hope and slowly start not doing anything at all whatsoever, and start to give up on the situation, and think I won’t be able to solve anything, and can’t go on. This is when anger fades away.
7. The drag, right after I think I can’t go any further I keep taking steps realizing that I was underestimating myself, note, this realization is silent. The “distance” I go “dragging” is probably as far as all the other stages mentioned above. I’m still not solving anything, just going along.
8. Solace, somehow without a solution I find solace in my steps, somehow I’m not “dragging” anymore but haven’t stopped moving. I realize that everything is clean and clear, at this moment is where acceptance takes place.
9. Solution, so, when I have ‘peace’ solutions come either by themselves, or made by myself.

So, what happens in (7) is more or less what is described here: Wikipedia; Second Wind.

I’m at stage 9 of a recent event, and now that I can think I can ask myself this question. Why do solutions come AFTER all that? haha.